It's ok to want alone time in your relationship
It’s okay to simultaneously want alone time AND love your partner. In fact, it’s more than okay - it’s vital in creating healthy and vibrant relationships.
Let’s start by first exploring why we might struggle with alone time, or feeling overwhelmed and suffocated when we don’t get enough space from our partners. The way we show up in our relationships is often predetermined by the way that we experienced relationships in our early childhoods.
When we are deeply attuned to and validated by our parents, we learn to count on people being there - even when they’re not physically there (See: business trips, night out with the guys, or on vacation with friends). There is an invisible thread that binds us together no matter where we are physically in the world. Hence - secure attachment.
Anxious Attachment
When we are inconsistently attuned to - let’s say… that our mothers were inconsistent with their attention due to grief, mental illness or addiction, then we learn that when our caregiver is gone - it’s hard to know if and when they’re coming back. Which makes it hard to count on your partner coming home after a night out with the guys. Our partner’s absence triggers all of the anxiety and danger cues that we felt when we didn’t know if our parents were going to pick us up from school or not. If this is you - then you might have an anxious attachment style.
Avoidant Attachment
When you grow up with parents that were often unavailable physically and emotionally, you were left to figure out your own needs. As adults, we may feel desperately uncomfortable when people get close to you or depend on you for meeting their needs. You might pull away if your partner is getting too close or you might feel freaked out by too much intimacy. If this is you - then you might have an avoidant attachment style.
When we have a secure relationship, we can celebrate each other’s (and our own) freedom and know that our partner will be there when we come back. Our partner is home base - a safe place for us to return to. Security allows for freedom - which creates beautiful space for us to have our own lives, dance to the beat of our own drum - knowing in our heart that our partner is there, loving us all the same.
When we don’t feel secure in our relationships, we may feel like we can’t ask for space without offending our partner. Or we don’t want space because we can’t cope when they go out without us and we don’t know how to be alone. We don’t trust that they’ll be there. We feel threatened or afraid that they will leave us. Or the other end of the spectrum: like they’ll engulf us and we’ll feel suffocated. Scary stuff for our inner little ones.
It’s all okay. This is the foundation of relationships - our attachment style. And we all have ways to re-engage connection and safety in our relationships.
It’s okay to ask for space. It’s okay to be scared of space. It’s okay to want ALL the space.
When we can explore these dynamics - desires - drives - with non-judgmental awareness, we can start to reparent and repair our attachment fractures.
When we can allow space in our relationships with security and freedom, we allow space for all the yummy, good stuff like intimacy, trust, sex, authenticity, and deeply connected relationships with others and yourself.⠀
I’ll end with 3 truths
Attachment is a prerequisite for a happy, healthy life - we die without it.
We all have our own attachment style - which impacts the way that we show up in relationships and definitely who we are attracted to. Each one of us has needs - and that’s okay.
Knowing your attachment style and your specific needs are the first step in being able to have a healthy and strong relationship.
Ready for a relationship? Or already attached?
Either way, we can help.
Book now for a free 30-minute consultation with one of our clinicians who know this stuff like the back of our hands and can