Is this a phase? What if they change their mind?
These are two of the most common concerns for parents. The simple answer is that being trans is not a phase for most people. Allowing a safe space for your child to experiment with their identity is going to help them significantly more than putting any kind of exploration on pause. Early childhood and adolescence is about trying out new things and that includes exploring sexual and gender identity. By letting your child know that you are open to them exploring their identities you are significantly decreasing their risk of mental health complications including self-harm and suicidal ideation. If at the end of their exploration they realize that they are not trans, there is no harm done! In early childhood and adolescence, transition options are impermanent. Additionally, rates of regret are extremely low ranging between 1%-3.8% according to the 2015 Transgender Survey.
Can we fix them?
Being transgender is not something that can be “fixed”, and the use of the term “fix” is a transphobic ideology that perpetuates the idea that something is “wrong” with being trans. In the state of California any type of conversion therapy is considered both unethical and illegal.
Did something happen to them when they were little?/Did we cause this?
Being transgender is not the result of trauma. In fact, studies show that there is evidence supporting the notion that individuals have questioned their gender prior to trauma occurring (James, et al, 2016). The assumption that “something had to happen” is transphobic in that it assumes being transgender is a symptom instead of a valid identity.
Why can’t they be okay with being gay/lesbian?
Being gay/lesbian is a sexual identity whereas being transgender is a gender identity. The difference between sexual identity and gender identity is that sexual identity is who we are attracted to sexually/romantically and gender identity is how we see ourselves in the world. Many trans people are also queer.
What will we tell others?
The best rule of thumb here is to ask your child what they feel the most comfortable with. They may not want anyone else to know, and that is something that needs to be respected. Understandably you may need your own support because while your child is transitioning you will be going through your own transition. It is highly recommended that you seek out your own professional support whether it is a support group or therapy.
How do we refer to our child pre transition?
This is something to discuss with your child. Some children are okay with being referred to using their old name (deadname) and pronouns and some are not.
Is my child trans because of the internet?
Your child is transgender because they are transgender. The internet is a useful tool to gain information, and typically it is the one of the only resources for children to gain language for what they are experiencing. Your child exploring their gender identity is beneficial to their development because it will allow them to know themselves better! The internet cannot “cause” someone to be transgender, and the notion that it can is transphobic. This is because it is assuming that someone can be indoctrinated into being transgender and perpetuates the belief of an “agenda”.
Is my child transitioning to being a man because being a woman is harder?
Overwhelmingly transgender people have reported that if they could choose, they would prefer to live as the gender other than the one assigned at birth. In fact, many self-report wishing that they could be reborn as the gender that fits their identity. If privilege were a factor, then there would not be statistically more trans women than trans men and gender non-conforming individuals out in the United States (38.5% trans women, versus 35.9% trans men and 25.6% gender non-conforming individuals) Unfortunately, we are currently living in a society that is oppressive to both trans people and women. Ideally, we can all come together in a shared space of oppression in order to help uplift each other and gain the human rights that are equitably deserved.
Isn’t my child too young to know about their gender identity?
Around the age of 2 children are conscious of the physical difference between boys and girls. Before the age of 3 most children can label themselves as either a boy or a girl, and by age 4 children have a stable sense of their gender identity. Therefore, your child is most likely not too young to know about their gender identity.
Why do I have to use my child’s name and pronouns?
It is important that we use someone’s name and pronouns for two reasons. The first reason is that it is a sign of respect to that person. Imagine telling someone your name and that person continuously either mispronounces it or outright calls you the wrong name. In our society this would be considered disrespectful, and the same goes for choosing not to use your child’s name and pronouns. The second reason is that using a person’s name and pronouns cultivates strong, empathic connections. If it is important to you to have a good relationship with your child, then it is important that you also use the name and pronouns that affirm their gender identity.
How can I best support my child?
The best way that you can support your child is by listening to them. If they are telling you that they want to go by a different name/pronouns, use that name and those pronouns. If they want to explore gender transition, get them access to professionals who are familiar with gender transition and issues associated with gender transition. Educate yourself in order to become an ally using the resources listed below. Engage in your own self-care and therapy as needed to help you transition without putting your feelings/insecurities/questions onto your child.
What resources are out there?
Here is a list of numerous (though not exhaustive) resources that exist for you and for your child:
PFLAG-Offers monthly support meetings for parents and loved ones; some chapters host gender-specific meetings in addition to general meetings
Trans Families Online Support Groups-Offers general groups and specific groups for parents of color, dads, Latinx and Spanish-speaking parents, parents of nonbinary youth, parents of children who are also neurodivergent (e.g., have autism, ADHD)
Gender identity, diversity, and dysphoria: supporting your child
Center for Discovery’s Book List (Courtesy of Emmy Johnson, (MSW, LCSW)
References
Thank you to the following for the knowledge that contributed to the creation of this FAQ:
Darlene Tando, LCSW
Dr. Jo Olson-Kennedy
Aydin Olson-Kennedy
Trans Family Support Services
Emmy Johnson, LCSW
If you are looking for a therapist that specializes in Gender Affirmative therapy, meet Sam.
Sam Weiss received his Master of Arts in Clinical Social Work from University of Southern California and is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker in Long Beach, California. Sam is a clinical supervisor, therapist, and group facilitator at Empower Marriage and Family Therapy.
Sam is a trans-man and is also an LGBT-affirmative therapist. Sam uses his experience with his own gender journey to help individuals make stronger connections to their own sense of gender and sexuality.
Sam received his Master’s degree in Social Work from the University of Southern California in 2015. Sam’s primary approaches to therapy include EMDR, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT), Motivational Interviewing, and solution-focused therapy. Sam believes that everyone should feel empowered with the conceptual and contextual knowledge to cultivate self-awareness, as well as practical skills that you can use on the daily. In addition to individual therapy, Sam leads groups for LGBTQIA individuals.